it's like nothing ever happened at all...

and all i ever wanted was to be free

"Vacant heart, and hand, and eye. Easy live and quiet die." Sir W.Scott



Things were much simpler…much more concrete.

I don’t know what part of me changed exactly, but there is something different in me, something quite unfamiliar I’m afraid. I don’t know if I lost something, or if a “thorn” grew in me when I thought that love was blooming. I become lonely, so lonely, tired, so tired.

Is it the “sacrifices” that my choices brought, or just this anger towards myself? All  I know is that it dwells within. Within a mind of once-living-fairytales, of a heart once-yearning-dreaming and living and fighting and perhaps…loving.

But loving who or what? I could not know. I was too young, too into books and movies of epic battles and courage and love and hate. It all seemed clear then, I seemed more “clear” then. There was a goal, a sacrifice willing to make, an ambition, a dream, a foolish hope of change…

I wanted to change the world, though I couldn’t even face myself. And I can’t really tell you what’s in my heart, what I felt, what I’ve known. You are not the one to whom I could show the darkest-but maybe also the brightest- part of me. Why? Because I hate you, and through you I hate myself.

I hate you for pulling of the veil that blinded me for so many years, for making me see the ugly truth, for forcing me to live like anybody else, without  love, without friendship, without hope, without me.

And I hate me for letting you unveil my eyes, letting you in my heart to a point, letting you show me a world that I always feared that was somewhere there(but never too close).  I hate me for choosing to be like anybody else, without love, without friendship, without Hope…without me.

Between me and the world there will always be a thin line. I’ m sorry.